Me and the fish (poem)

Two birds flew over four shores and the seven seas,
one plunged into the ocean deep
And speared right through a fish
who had no wish to die today

I darted my eyes to look away,
pleading that I would not also die today

but neither I nor the fish in the sea
can truly have that guarantee

An issue (part.2)....

I guess the scary part in all this is that's just the surface......

There's a much, much deeper issue here.

I long to be loved. I long for my father to be the father I've always wanted. Perfect. (At least perfect for me).

I mean I know. God ordained him to be my father for reasons far greater than I can understand. I'm just saying that I never really had that "Daddies little girl" relationship with him. Not to the point I longed and still long for.


I want to be able to talk to him



I want to be able to talk to him and not feel stupid.


I want to be able to talk to him and not feel like what I've got to say doesn't really matter.

I want to feel like I matter.


I want to feel like he's glad he had me. and not think he'd rather have someone else as his daughter.


I want to be hugged...


I want to be told I'm beautiful,
not too fat, not too slow., not too shy. not too Americanized, not too any of that.


but I do...





WOW I'm seeing it. these things right here. This is the way I feel toward everybody.

Like I'm not good enough.

So much insecurity wrecks my mind.
leaves me feeling bitter, lonely, afraid, depressed, and ANGRY. that's why I'm so angry or frustrated.



because of all this pain.





because my heart is still longing


I know in my head that man can never for fill the longing in out heart to be loved. Not totally, But God can. I just don't know why I can't just give it over to God and let him love me

Maybe because it's a process. Maybe because there needs to be some closure between me and my father. Especially before i get into all this moving out business. I'm not sure. Lord thank you for opening my mind and heart. Help me to follow you and give you my heart so you can heal all the pain.


And of course this is not all about me. I think many people, dudes and dudetts need to realize what's going on. And need to realize Jesus is the answer. :)

An issue...

One things that broke my heart lately:

A friend told me that Im too Judgmental. Specifically towards my father.
ugh. I love him a lot but we don't see eye to eye on things that really get to me.

- The way he speaks to us (other family members) at times in my view is really negative. (too much demanding rather then )
- The way he does cretin things. Kinda sporadic. Especially when it comes to finances.
- He's got that "we need...we need...we need" broken record thing going on. It's beyond, we need groceries or stuff like that. it's project after project after project. We have our own personal junk yard in the backyard. haha you know.

If i shouldn't of gone into detail I'm sorry, just being real.

So i know it could be worse. I'm thankful for my farther. He is so dear to me. I'm thankful that he is a man of God. And for every good thing he's done.

Just all these things become the straw that breaks the camel's back when you add it up with all the other stuff I deal with.

So when he pushes it and does things like those listed I tend to get real frustrated.

Now this is a issue because it's something that is hard for me to let go. It's the kind of thing where my blood starts to boil and my body tenses up. but then I do the stuffing it inside thing and try to forget about it.


But that's not working. There's not enough room in me for all this.

I don't think I'll explode at my dad but I may explode at others. And become a walking mess. like by being depressed and feeling angry all the time.

That's NOT what I want.


The bible talks about how we shouldn't let the sun go down on our anger. I need to be free.





I found this off yahoo answers:

"Regaining control. In a lot of cases, I've noticed that most of my frustration comes from feeling like I don't have control of the situation. Someone's "wronged" me. Or I can't obtain what I need to overcome whatever challenge I'm facing. But my frustration usually vanishes the second I figure out how to regain even a little control of the situation. This may be as simple as accepting the situation as it is (i.e., cutting my losses). Or it may mean collaborating with someone else who can provide what I need. Either way,

focusing on what I CAN control, and letting go of what I CAN'T control usually helps lessen the frustration."

Add prayer to that and I think i found my remedy.

Now to actually put it into play, that's the really hard part....

Spinning

Change has come. And that change has started a ripple effect.

Now that i have more time I should be able to actually become more productive right?

Uhhh not so much.

I seems that the more time I have on my hands the more tasks pile up all around me. I'm so thankful for the freedom i have but my head is spinning and I'm already stressing. :(




There's so much I gotta and I wanna do (Examples):

Spiritually


- Basics staying in the word, Prayer, worship


-This blog was supposed to be a way for me to meditate on the things of God. I still aspire to get on track with that

-Getting better at witnessing/testifying/ my boldness

-Letting God heal my heart and change me. Fix the broken pieces in my life.






Physically

-Figure out things with school

-Helping my family

-Work and finances / Primerica

- Im working in a project with a friend. Making a Christian talk show for young adults. I'm VERY excited about it!

-Getting ready to live independently (I feel drawn to moving out soon but I'm not sure it, it's my impatients for living with my family or the Lord calling me????)

-Getting into shape (This one is important and I think will help me feel better all around)

- JUST HAVING FUN (Just good times with friends and family. I need this one :))



My prayer is this: Lord you know all my thoughts all my ways EVERYTHING. You also know what is best for me. i pray you would overall be with me through this time of transitioning. Clear away the confusion. Be my hope, light, joy, peace, strength, savior, friend and everything that I need right now and will need. Please cover my life with your blood. Thank you for your mercy and grace! I praise your name! Let it all be for your glory. That others may know and see how great you are and of your great love. I have nothing without you. Amen.

it's been a while...

HEY! :D

Well a big change has occurred in my life recently. I felt God lead me to quit my job. And I actually did. haha! It was hard to let go and let God take care of the situation. Praise God he did!

I feel sooooo much better now that Im free from the stuff that was going on at my (now) old job. My supervisor gave me such a hard time and so on. I'm not one to just quit at least when the well being of my family is on the line. When I worked for that 9 months or so. It was maybe 20% for me and really more like 80% for my family. I endured and tried each day to make it through. God helped me through it all. Now i need to keep listening so i know what he wants for me next.

The week after I quit the Lord opened jobs for my parents! YES! God is sooooooo awesome!

There's still a lot more areas in my life i need God's help in but I'm so thankful.

Thank you Jesus. :) I'm excited.


.

Rain

ooooh my goodness! it rained last night for the first time here in a bizzzilion years! So exciting!

I'm out in AZ and the sun hardly ever lets up. Don't get me wrong sunshine is lovely but the scorching heat when it gets up to the 100's, for months on end, is just too much for this former Mainer. I grew up by the beach and now I'm in the middle of a desert. It's funny how life unfolds sometimes.

So I sat out side under an umbrella and did my best to soak it in. At times I let the drops hit my face. It tickled haha.

I may sound like a little kid but so much time without ran makes me miss it all the more. And makes a rainy day into a thrilling experience.

1 thing I want to get better at is soaking up the goodness of life!

Come to my rescue

My dad lost the job.

But as one door closes may God open another. This is one of those "LIFE happens" moments. I had wanted to go part-time at my job and go to school. Now... I donno. I'm just gonna keep praying.

Just be positive

I have a ton of things to be thankful for and I want to focus on that and how good God is!

Woooh

So church tonight. Youth group/Young adult group. Great service!

1st time serving. I smiled and helped out at the refreshment table. but in my head i was some where else.

Today was also the day my dad may have lost his job. Now I hope the truth is that he hasn't but I don't know. He was called to the office for a meeting. Big day today.

I don't know how I'll feel later but right now I feel clam about it. Maybe because I'm still in shock.

I want to see the amazing way God is going to use this situation for his glory.

And i pray for the strength to get through this.

I really need God's strength because I'm weak feeble and limited. But God, He is not.

My therapy: Introspection

I've been thinking about who I am and how to describe myself. Introspection. I'm going to try to be honest here. Brutally honest. Yikes.

I'm the kinda person who:

*Thinks a lot, but the whole doing part... not as much.

*Needs to be alone sometimes

*Loves to do list but hates them if they get too long.

*Is really emotional.

*Tries to hide their emotions. Keeping it all tucked away inside unfortunately tends to BACKFIRE.

Why do it then?...

As dumb as it may sound: so I don't have to deal with the reaction to my reaction.

All part of the over thinking thing.


Instead of the usual _____ happens then I react with ______ emotion.

It's _____ happens then I feel the emotion but then I do my best to block it and portray nothing or something other than the original emotion. Thus allowing me to have a level of influence over the other's expected reaction to my reaction.

I just find it interesting because some people don't have this system of thinking. Thinking ahead basically. but that's not a bad thing. Even though I try to think ahead I can still guess wrong and my strategy flat out fails.

haha this is coming out weird. Im sure Im making it way too complicated.

I'm not trying to carry out any diabolical schemes. I'm just constantly strategizing. Not just with people but life in general. Even though I don't really know what to do I try to plan it out all the time.

That's another reason I need Jesus. Planning can be great and helpful but as a human I stray off the master plan God has for me.

I want a mind that is more at ease. Rather than putting so much effort into plans. It's a set-up for stress and disappointment whenever things go haywire and LIFE happens :)

*Doesn't like conflict. In the moment I might think gerrrr they blah blah but I try to let it go. The Backfire part would be if the issue rears it's head again and again and again. That's when I start to lose it little by little.


*Who misses the time when life was simpler.

*who not many people really know. I don't say much because I think "they probably don't care what i have to say, its probably gunna be dumb to them, it's probably not worth saying" this, this thought comes way to often and this thought is depressing. It goes away when I feel like I've connected with someone or it looks like they're really into the conversation, which doesn't happen that often.

but thats life i guess...


but too much suppression in too many ways, especially the important ones. Leads to big issues.


See these (and many other) sides of me really need clean up work
God can do that. I just got to let him in.


We all do. In our own ways.


I want to look at my self differently. The way God wants me to. I've longed for that for a LONG time.

.

I wanna see more

I want to smile because I'm happy in the Lord

not because I want to look happy.

Im so tierd of that.

I want to see the beauty in the days he's given me

not the never ending "What if's"
and "I wish..." list

My present theme song:

See More Him by Flame

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCbCJdpcBFY


Lyrics

I wanna see more of Him
Cause I'm sick of more of me
I'm a be like Zacchae
In that Sycamore tree
I wanna see more of Him
Cause I'm sick of more of me
Lord I promise


Prior to Jesus' life death and re-re-Resurrection
Having any affect on me left me in deception
Because the god of this world, Satan, blinded my mind
From seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of God
But then a miracle happened
We-we call it conversion
He opened the eyes of my blind heart and led me to worship
Gotta a peek at His beauty as He opened the crack
That captivated my nature and kept me coming back
He gave me taste buds to taste of freedom to love
And to delight in His loving kindness through Jesus' blood
And every since repentance I done been on this chase
To drink from this freedom fountain through His infinite grace
Namely seeking His face
Cause He removed the veil
Knocked me off my high horse and removed the scales
Now I've been exposed to His glorious light
That shines into the darkness in my heart and I'm like...

Listen...
Though I'm a Christian my vision sometimes even get blurred
When I'm resisting His visits and not reading His Word
Desperate need to be purged
Easy to lose the wonder
Through these daily distractions banging louder than thunder
When I devalue my Savior and start treasuring trash
And longing for mud patches thinking it's greener grass
Exchanging eternal pleasures for the ones that's going to pass
Looking for 'em to satisfy but they lie never last
When captivated and activated by my deceitful lust
Is a lack of faith in my Father's grace and I need to place my trust
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
In everything that my Father is and everything that He supplied
Through the perfect life of His Son
Death and resurrection of Christ
And I know I got to trust Him
All this sin I got to trust Him
World that we in I got to trust Him
How I'm going to live if I just brush Him
Knowing that my heart is mad disgusting
Knowing that the Father had to crush
Yes just so we can be free
Please give me eyes to see


Lord
See I'm reminded in my mind in my brother Zacchaeus
Who took some desperate measures just so that He could see Jesus
As joy accompanied the faith that He felt in his soul
That made me question myself, how far am I willing to go?
What am I willing to get rid of so I can get close?
And closer and closer Lord, fill me with Your Holy Ghost
Pour out Your Spirit empower me in increasing measures
To see Your uniqueness instead of these fleet-fleeting pleasures
Give me greater capacities to suffer and to carry
This cross on my back as I walk to my personal Calvary
And climb on the cross oh Lord as I stretch out my arms
Quoting the Psalms as they banging them nails in my palms
Until I die cause I was crucified with my Savior
And resurrected now I can reflect it in my behavior
A new nature to taste and savor Jesus the Christ
Who brought me out of the darkness to His marvelous light

Patients

Patients is a virtue and I find that I'm losing it more and more. :/

Sometimes I look back and think about how much I've changed. I think, "Wow. Where is that person?... That was me?"

I'm not alone in that right?

Some way or another we all change. For good, for bad. On purpose and sometimes things just sneak up on us.

Patients is something I used to overflow with. (In most situations). But these days it's much harder to hold on to. And once easy situations are wearing me down.

Frustration. That I can hold on to real well. Haha. But I hate it. Frustration, especially the unnecessary kind is such a waist of energy. Being in a bad mood for no good reason is a really sad thing. You can't have peace, you can't enjoy the moment, and if prolonged you can't enjoy life it self. And other people certainly can't enjoy life with you.

There could be multiple factors contributing to my impatiens but that doesn't really matter.

I know deep inside the main solution is God. He is the provider of all good things. Peace, strength, love, joy, etc.. and patients. If I go to Him in times where I think my head's gonna EXPLODE and ask Him to change me, He will.


God is good! He loves you!

Check Check Check It Out

If you wanna... check out my story! and comment:

http://www.webook.com/project/Hope-Hills




and poems like this one:

One Voice

In life there are a million choices
In life there are a million voices

but only one can speak
and bring forth all existence

http://www.webook.com/project/Poems-and-other-things

Some basics

Last post I kinda went strait to the point and didn't get into the personal stuff.

Some Basics:

I'm a Christian, been one since I was 11 years old :).

I'm shy (not as much once I get to know you though) and pretty laid back. My mind races a lot more than my body probably ever will. hehe

I work full time caring for disabled people.

I live with my family. Mom, dad, little sis, and little bro.

I want to go to school for medical billing and coding. (For now anyways. My mind changes every third conversation I have with someone haha)

*I wish I was more decisive!

I was born in Africa but grew up in the States.

I consider my home town to be Portland, ME! LOVE

I love music, writing (scripts, stories, songs), photography, film, design (not really fashion I'm pretty lost when it comes to that), drawing and so on.

I have a bunch of dreams I want to see come true. Overall I just want to be used by God.

Yup there's more but lets take a break.

Finally

Right well I've been putting this off (as I do with way too many things) and now I'm finally doing it ha ha! Yes blogging. Wow! Hello world (or one follower I attain through the site. Please, even just one would be so nice)

Okay well anyway moving onward. I write. Not that well but I love it. I have journals upon journals filled with stuff I wrote over the years.

My goal: To go through those journals and slap 'em right up here.

So this may sound quite boring and I don't blame you if you think so. I don't know if it will really work out right but I at least want to give it a try.

This is really a selfish thing. Like so many out there I'm trying to figure out who I am and trying to express who I am. Especially who I am in Christ. So if you don't enjoy these posts, I'm not going to sulk over it. It's really more for me than anyone else. Although if you do enjoy then that would be a nice plus. So that's my agenda. :)