Rain

ooooh my goodness! it rained last night for the first time here in a bizzzilion years! So exciting!

I'm out in AZ and the sun hardly ever lets up. Don't get me wrong sunshine is lovely but the scorching heat when it gets up to the 100's, for months on end, is just too much for this former Mainer. I grew up by the beach and now I'm in the middle of a desert. It's funny how life unfolds sometimes.

So I sat out side under an umbrella and did my best to soak it in. At times I let the drops hit my face. It tickled haha.

I may sound like a little kid but so much time without ran makes me miss it all the more. And makes a rainy day into a thrilling experience.

1 thing I want to get better at is soaking up the goodness of life!

Come to my rescue

My dad lost the job.

But as one door closes may God open another. This is one of those "LIFE happens" moments. I had wanted to go part-time at my job and go to school. Now... I donno. I'm just gonna keep praying.

Just be positive

I have a ton of things to be thankful for and I want to focus on that and how good God is!

Woooh

So church tonight. Youth group/Young adult group. Great service!

1st time serving. I smiled and helped out at the refreshment table. but in my head i was some where else.

Today was also the day my dad may have lost his job. Now I hope the truth is that he hasn't but I don't know. He was called to the office for a meeting. Big day today.

I don't know how I'll feel later but right now I feel clam about it. Maybe because I'm still in shock.

I want to see the amazing way God is going to use this situation for his glory.

And i pray for the strength to get through this.

I really need God's strength because I'm weak feeble and limited. But God, He is not.

My therapy: Introspection

I've been thinking about who I am and how to describe myself. Introspection. I'm going to try to be honest here. Brutally honest. Yikes.

I'm the kinda person who:

*Thinks a lot, but the whole doing part... not as much.

*Needs to be alone sometimes

*Loves to do list but hates them if they get too long.

*Is really emotional.

*Tries to hide their emotions. Keeping it all tucked away inside unfortunately tends to BACKFIRE.

Why do it then?...

As dumb as it may sound: so I don't have to deal with the reaction to my reaction.

All part of the over thinking thing.


Instead of the usual _____ happens then I react with ______ emotion.

It's _____ happens then I feel the emotion but then I do my best to block it and portray nothing or something other than the original emotion. Thus allowing me to have a level of influence over the other's expected reaction to my reaction.

I just find it interesting because some people don't have this system of thinking. Thinking ahead basically. but that's not a bad thing. Even though I try to think ahead I can still guess wrong and my strategy flat out fails.

haha this is coming out weird. Im sure Im making it way too complicated.

I'm not trying to carry out any diabolical schemes. I'm just constantly strategizing. Not just with people but life in general. Even though I don't really know what to do I try to plan it out all the time.

That's another reason I need Jesus. Planning can be great and helpful but as a human I stray off the master plan God has for me.

I want a mind that is more at ease. Rather than putting so much effort into plans. It's a set-up for stress and disappointment whenever things go haywire and LIFE happens :)

*Doesn't like conflict. In the moment I might think gerrrr they blah blah but I try to let it go. The Backfire part would be if the issue rears it's head again and again and again. That's when I start to lose it little by little.


*Who misses the time when life was simpler.

*who not many people really know. I don't say much because I think "they probably don't care what i have to say, its probably gunna be dumb to them, it's probably not worth saying" this, this thought comes way to often and this thought is depressing. It goes away when I feel like I've connected with someone or it looks like they're really into the conversation, which doesn't happen that often.

but thats life i guess...


but too much suppression in too many ways, especially the important ones. Leads to big issues.


See these (and many other) sides of me really need clean up work
God can do that. I just got to let him in.


We all do. In our own ways.


I want to look at my self differently. The way God wants me to. I've longed for that for a LONG time.

.

I wanna see more

I want to smile because I'm happy in the Lord

not because I want to look happy.

Im so tierd of that.

I want to see the beauty in the days he's given me

not the never ending "What if's"
and "I wish..." list

My present theme song:

See More Him by Flame

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCbCJdpcBFY


Lyrics

I wanna see more of Him
Cause I'm sick of more of me
I'm a be like Zacchae
In that Sycamore tree
I wanna see more of Him
Cause I'm sick of more of me
Lord I promise


Prior to Jesus' life death and re-re-Resurrection
Having any affect on me left me in deception
Because the god of this world, Satan, blinded my mind
From seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of God
But then a miracle happened
We-we call it conversion
He opened the eyes of my blind heart and led me to worship
Gotta a peek at His beauty as He opened the crack
That captivated my nature and kept me coming back
He gave me taste buds to taste of freedom to love
And to delight in His loving kindness through Jesus' blood
And every since repentance I done been on this chase
To drink from this freedom fountain through His infinite grace
Namely seeking His face
Cause He removed the veil
Knocked me off my high horse and removed the scales
Now I've been exposed to His glorious light
That shines into the darkness in my heart and I'm like...

Listen...
Though I'm a Christian my vision sometimes even get blurred
When I'm resisting His visits and not reading His Word
Desperate need to be purged
Easy to lose the wonder
Through these daily distractions banging louder than thunder
When I devalue my Savior and start treasuring trash
And longing for mud patches thinking it's greener grass
Exchanging eternal pleasures for the ones that's going to pass
Looking for 'em to satisfy but they lie never last
When captivated and activated by my deceitful lust
Is a lack of faith in my Father's grace and I need to place my trust
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
In everything that my Father is and everything that He supplied
Through the perfect life of His Son
Death and resurrection of Christ
And I know I got to trust Him
All this sin I got to trust Him
World that we in I got to trust Him
How I'm going to live if I just brush Him
Knowing that my heart is mad disgusting
Knowing that the Father had to crush
Yes just so we can be free
Please give me eyes to see


Lord
See I'm reminded in my mind in my brother Zacchaeus
Who took some desperate measures just so that He could see Jesus
As joy accompanied the faith that He felt in his soul
That made me question myself, how far am I willing to go?
What am I willing to get rid of so I can get close?
And closer and closer Lord, fill me with Your Holy Ghost
Pour out Your Spirit empower me in increasing measures
To see Your uniqueness instead of these fleet-fleeting pleasures
Give me greater capacities to suffer and to carry
This cross on my back as I walk to my personal Calvary
And climb on the cross oh Lord as I stretch out my arms
Quoting the Psalms as they banging them nails in my palms
Until I die cause I was crucified with my Savior
And resurrected now I can reflect it in my behavior
A new nature to taste and savor Jesus the Christ
Who brought me out of the darkness to His marvelous light