An issue (part.2)....

I guess the scary part in all this is that's just the surface......

There's a much, much deeper issue here.

I long to be loved. I long for my father to be the father I've always wanted. Perfect. (At least perfect for me).

I mean I know. God ordained him to be my father for reasons far greater than I can understand. I'm just saying that I never really had that "Daddies little girl" relationship with him. Not to the point I longed and still long for.


I want to be able to talk to him



I want to be able to talk to him and not feel stupid.


I want to be able to talk to him and not feel like what I've got to say doesn't really matter.

I want to feel like I matter.


I want to feel like he's glad he had me. and not think he'd rather have someone else as his daughter.


I want to be hugged...


I want to be told I'm beautiful,
not too fat, not too slow., not too shy. not too Americanized, not too any of that.


but I do...





WOW I'm seeing it. these things right here. This is the way I feel toward everybody.

Like I'm not good enough.

So much insecurity wrecks my mind.
leaves me feeling bitter, lonely, afraid, depressed, and ANGRY. that's why I'm so angry or frustrated.



because of all this pain.





because my heart is still longing


I know in my head that man can never for fill the longing in out heart to be loved. Not totally, But God can. I just don't know why I can't just give it over to God and let him love me

Maybe because it's a process. Maybe because there needs to be some closure between me and my father. Especially before i get into all this moving out business. I'm not sure. Lord thank you for opening my mind and heart. Help me to follow you and give you my heart so you can heal all the pain.


And of course this is not all about me. I think many people, dudes and dudetts need to realize what's going on. And need to realize Jesus is the answer. :)

An issue...

One things that broke my heart lately:

A friend told me that Im too Judgmental. Specifically towards my father.
ugh. I love him a lot but we don't see eye to eye on things that really get to me.

- The way he speaks to us (other family members) at times in my view is really negative. (too much demanding rather then )
- The way he does cretin things. Kinda sporadic. Especially when it comes to finances.
- He's got that "we need...we need...we need" broken record thing going on. It's beyond, we need groceries or stuff like that. it's project after project after project. We have our own personal junk yard in the backyard. haha you know.

If i shouldn't of gone into detail I'm sorry, just being real.

So i know it could be worse. I'm thankful for my farther. He is so dear to me. I'm thankful that he is a man of God. And for every good thing he's done.

Just all these things become the straw that breaks the camel's back when you add it up with all the other stuff I deal with.

So when he pushes it and does things like those listed I tend to get real frustrated.

Now this is a issue because it's something that is hard for me to let go. It's the kind of thing where my blood starts to boil and my body tenses up. but then I do the stuffing it inside thing and try to forget about it.


But that's not working. There's not enough room in me for all this.

I don't think I'll explode at my dad but I may explode at others. And become a walking mess. like by being depressed and feeling angry all the time.

That's NOT what I want.


The bible talks about how we shouldn't let the sun go down on our anger. I need to be free.





I found this off yahoo answers:

"Regaining control. In a lot of cases, I've noticed that most of my frustration comes from feeling like I don't have control of the situation. Someone's "wronged" me. Or I can't obtain what I need to overcome whatever challenge I'm facing. But my frustration usually vanishes the second I figure out how to regain even a little control of the situation. This may be as simple as accepting the situation as it is (i.e., cutting my losses). Or it may mean collaborating with someone else who can provide what I need. Either way,

focusing on what I CAN control, and letting go of what I CAN'T control usually helps lessen the frustration."

Add prayer to that and I think i found my remedy.

Now to actually put it into play, that's the really hard part....

Spinning

Change has come. And that change has started a ripple effect.

Now that i have more time I should be able to actually become more productive right?

Uhhh not so much.

I seems that the more time I have on my hands the more tasks pile up all around me. I'm so thankful for the freedom i have but my head is spinning and I'm already stressing. :(




There's so much I gotta and I wanna do (Examples):

Spiritually


- Basics staying in the word, Prayer, worship


-This blog was supposed to be a way for me to meditate on the things of God. I still aspire to get on track with that

-Getting better at witnessing/testifying/ my boldness

-Letting God heal my heart and change me. Fix the broken pieces in my life.






Physically

-Figure out things with school

-Helping my family

-Work and finances / Primerica

- Im working in a project with a friend. Making a Christian talk show for young adults. I'm VERY excited about it!

-Getting ready to live independently (I feel drawn to moving out soon but I'm not sure it, it's my impatients for living with my family or the Lord calling me????)

-Getting into shape (This one is important and I think will help me feel better all around)

- JUST HAVING FUN (Just good times with friends and family. I need this one :))



My prayer is this: Lord you know all my thoughts all my ways EVERYTHING. You also know what is best for me. i pray you would overall be with me through this time of transitioning. Clear away the confusion. Be my hope, light, joy, peace, strength, savior, friend and everything that I need right now and will need. Please cover my life with your blood. Thank you for your mercy and grace! I praise your name! Let it all be for your glory. That others may know and see how great you are and of your great love. I have nothing without you. Amen.

it's been a while...

HEY! :D

Well a big change has occurred in my life recently. I felt God lead me to quit my job. And I actually did. haha! It was hard to let go and let God take care of the situation. Praise God he did!

I feel sooooo much better now that Im free from the stuff that was going on at my (now) old job. My supervisor gave me such a hard time and so on. I'm not one to just quit at least when the well being of my family is on the line. When I worked for that 9 months or so. It was maybe 20% for me and really more like 80% for my family. I endured and tried each day to make it through. God helped me through it all. Now i need to keep listening so i know what he wants for me next.

The week after I quit the Lord opened jobs for my parents! YES! God is sooooooo awesome!

There's still a lot more areas in my life i need God's help in but I'm so thankful.

Thank you Jesus. :) I'm excited.


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